I have been sick since Monday. The normal behavior of sick Addie is whining, complaining, and being all around pitiful. However, in addition to a mild case of these three symptoms, I have been very much in my own head this week. When I say this, I mean that I kept most of my thoughts to myself. This kind of behavior happens a lot when I feel a bit sad (notice “a bit”, not full fledged depression, just a tad bit moody). So far this week I have listened to a lot of Death Cab for Cutie and the rest of my sad music. Not going to lie, all I heard was the beginning of “9 Cannons” by Damien Rice and i started to tear up. The worst part about these feelings, I’m not sad about anything in particular. Nothing has upset me enough to have any excuse for being rather moody. This isn’t the first time this has happened either; every once in a while, I really crave my alone time, and I make little to no effort to leave the room, and I always end up watching a lot of tv (which for me means about three shows). I keep to myself. I don’t make any special attempts to involve myself in anything or with anyone.
I know this feelings aren’t exactly healthy, but honestly, it’s nice to be able to reconnect with myself. So often I feel like I am too busy to think and if I have to be sick to get to relax then so be it. These past few days have given me a chance to think about my future, and about my past. I’ve thought about my summer plans and my goals for the rest of the year. I’ve been able to think about what kind of person I want to be and how I want others to see me. I am far from perfect. I can be way to harsh with people. I don’t always work as hard as I should. I forget to encourage the people that mean the most to me. I gossip. I complain. I judge. I dwell. I have so many imperfections, it’s sometimes difficult to see the positives, but thankfully I have weeks like this one when I can spend time focusing inward.
I may grow a bit sad. I may seem a bit lonely. And I may be a bit more quiet than normal. But I do it because I am trying figure out myself. I want to be my best for God and for my loved ones. I know I can’t improve without His help, and luckily He is good with fixer-uppers.
You know the feeling when you get a study guide for a test and you don’t remember learning the information? When you look through all your notes, you finally figure out you missed that day of class. I hate that feeling. You never feel like you understand the concepts well enough for the test because you didn’t experience the lesson.
One of the hardest things for me is missing out on an experience. There have been times in my life when I have secluded myself from friends for no reason at all. I can’t tell you how many things I have missed out on because I was too afraid or too preoccupied to go. I don’t want to look back on my life and feel like I missed out. I want to participate. Never before have I been so involved in anything as I have been for the past year and a half and I love it. I would much rather be too busy than too bored. I want to learn and experience and to grow as much as I can while I’m young because I won’t have the same opportunities in 10 years.
That being said, do I participate in my spiritual life? Do I rise to opportunity to learn more about my Father or do I just let them pass so I can watch a favorite TV show? The thought of secluding myself from God is a scary one; I know, I have done it before. We should take every opportunity God gives us to grow. I don’t want to miss out on heaven because I missed out on spiritual growth.
Back to my first question about missing a day in class, sometimes I feel like I missed the class on the Old Testament. I know I took one in 7th grade, but there is a lot in the OT that I do not know. Today I heard a story in chapel from the OT that I had never heard before, and honestly I felt like a bad Christian for not knowing my Bible better. I had planned on reading through the Bible this year and I have not done a good job of keeping up with my daily reading. I want to learn more about my Creator, but I can’t do that unless I take the time to study about Him. I want to be active in my Christianity and not rely on others to teach me what I need to know. And so, I am going to do my best to spend time each day studying God’s Word. I pray that when I get the final test that I have prepared all I could for it.
Things I Love:
2. Pink Lemonade
4. The smell of used book stores
5. Lace wedding dresses
6. My “Study” playlist
7. High heels
8. Getting mail
9. Green stars
Things I Hate:
1. Looking stupid unintentionally
2. Poor grammar
3. When girls don’t pull their hair back when they are playing a sport
4. When people are disrespectful for no reason to those in authority
5. Over-scented laundry detergent
6. Pants that are too short
7. Mcdonald’s hamburgers
9. Being unprepared
10. “7th Heaven”
Today, I went to see a play at my old high school. I had no particular reason to go other than I didn’t have anything else to do. The play wasn’t terrible, but it wasn’t awesome solely due to the odd writing. Regardless of the creative/confusing play, it was a welcome distraction. This week has been a bit ridiculous for me. Much like the title of the play, I have gone into the woods.
It began easy enough, just a few trees here and there and then Thursday came. The lovely field I was in grew very dark very quickly. Trying not panic, I tried to stay focused on the task of getting out of the woods, but not freaking was not going to be easy. “Stay on the path,” I kept repeating to myself, but I didn’t always take my own advice. As I walked deeper in the forest, the trees seem to be closing in on me, and yet I could still see the blue sky above me. Confused by my surroundings, I thought about sitting down to cry; but instead, I continued my journey - fighting back the tears of frustration with every step. Unsure of where exactly I was going, my pace quickened at the sight of daylight.
And that is where I am now, running as fast as I can to the sunlight. I have to pace myself along the way though, I can’t risk falling down. I’m not out of the woods yet.
“This is my letter to the World
That never wrote to Me -“ Emily Dickinson
Every day of our lives we write a letter to someone. We send a thank you note, or a love letter, or a card of friendship, or maybe even hate mail. Our actions and our words are messages to those around us. Do we take the time to write a letter to those far away from us? What kind of letter are Christians today writing? Hopefully, it’s a letter of love. Is the world responding to the letters from Christians?
Who do you send your hate mail to? Is it someone you think can handle it? Is it someone you think deserves it? Or is the recipient an innocent bystander? Do you send hate mail more than you send love letters? Why?
One of my favorite things is opening up box #10560 to find an unexpected note. Thinking about someone spending the time to sit down and put a pen to paper and remember of me - it makes me feel good about myself. So next time you are about to send a message of any kind to someone, take a moment to think about what kind of letter you are writing.
So this is my letter to the world- “Hello, I care about you, how can I help?”
I lost my notebook. All my ideas, plans, dreams, confessions were in that pretty, little spiral notebook. She wanted to be taken everywhere, and so I did. But somewhere in the mix of Christmas shopping, she was lost forever at some store in the mall. Did someone find her? Did someone read my heartaches she possessed? Did they sympathize or did they laugh? She knew my heart, I told her about my happiest moments and about my biggest regrets-and now she is lost forever. My plans for future musings were in that flower-covered book and now I don’t remember what they were. I miss her. I want to share my latest experiences with her, but she is gone. She left me alone and afraid. “What if someone I know finds her? She knows my name, how many ‘Addie’s’ can there be?” If she came back to me today I would tell her that it was ok. I still love her, but it wouldn’t be the same. Her once pristine pages would be a bit sullied now that I had to wonder about who had seen her. It wouldn’t feel right telling her all about my new ideas now that i would have to worry about her leaving me again.
I should probably get a new notebook. I need a new place to write my everyday wonders, but Target usually only has pretty ones during back-to-school sales. Oh well… maybe I should try Borders.
I tried the blogspot thing- that wasn’t very fun, maybe this venue will work better. Creativity and I have a love hate relationship. hopefully we will become closer through this outlet.